


Always

by NotOfImport



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - 1940s, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Past Character Death, Slow Dancing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2015-07-14
Packaged: 2018-04-09 07:51:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4340135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotOfImport/pseuds/NotOfImport
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean fights the thought falling in love with Cas in 1948 New York after the casualty of another love in his past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always

On rare nights when the New York streets were empty, Dean and Castiel held hands while they walked. Yellow lamps burned all along the broken city sidewalk, illuminating the two lovers and the garish expressions on each individual’s face.

It was too soon for either of them to say I love you, and too risky in a world that only allowed them to touch each other when the world was asleep. Falling that hard for such an abominable love was sure to be the end of them both. But Castiel still warned Dean of bumps in the sidewalk. And Dean always tuned the radio to Cas’ favorite station. 

That was just the way it was for them. Never ashamed of the other person, always ashamed of themselves for loving him. 

Their shoes beat softly on the sidewalk as they approached their tiny, brick apartment. Hopping up the small stoop, Dean turned the key, and opened the door to their little home. Silk moonlight flooded the apartment before Cas went to turn on the lamps. 

Dean’s eyes shone as he stared at his quiet, thoughtful lover. He shut the door behind him and threw off his suit jacket, not caring where it landed. Cas turned from the last lamp in their living room to face Dean, a small smile turning the corners of his mouth. Dean could feel the words tugging at his heart, and he tried and tried to swallow them down before he messed this up. Before he messed this up like he’d messed up past loves. But this was a different kind of feeling. It scratched at his brain when Cas laid out his suit in the morning, it watered his eyes when Cas kissed him after a long day at work, and it was tugging at him now as Cas turned on the lamps. 

“Cas...” Dean looked down at their stained carpet, refusing to allow himself to make such a muck of this. If they were discovered, if someone told, god, they’d both wind up in the nuthouse. Or, heaven forbid, lying in an alley somewhere with the life beat out of them. To see Cas’ beautiful face bloody and beaten, Dean’s eyes began to water at even the thought. His mind was so exhausted by the idea, it was doubtful he noticed the single tear drop to the floor. Cas, of course saw the tear and stepped forward to Dean, softly grabbing his hand and stroking it with his thumb. 

“Dean, something’s wrong. You’re crying.” Their hands locked together as Cas reached his other hand around Dean’s back and pulled him close. Dean fell into the embrace, nuzzling into Cas’ neck and sighing heavily. 

“I love you, Cas. But, I’m not supposed to.” 

Castiel pulled away slightly from Dean, still holding onto him. His eyes were unbelievably blue. Even the sky didn’t do them justice. 

“Who says we’re not supposed to be in love?” 

Dean blinked hard. _We?_

“The world, Cas. Who do you see walking down the street? Fathers and mothers with their daughters and sons. Young boyfriends and girlfriends. What do you hear on the radio? Shows about husbands and wives. And it’s the same damn thing with the newspapers. Women and men are together in the world and that’s how it’s supposed to be. I’ve not seen anyone like us ever. It’s wrong. We’re wrong.” 

Cas let go of Dean. His unbelievably blue eyes turned dreary, mouth frowning slightly and hands lost at his sides. He traced the folds in his trenchcoat slowly with his long, slender fingers. Giving purpose to the empty hands. 

The silence of their apartment was near deafening, only the hum of their lamps kept them sane in those long seconds. Dean’s mind fluttered, trying to fix his mistake. 

“I mean- Cas, no that’s not what I meant. I just mean, fuck, I do love you. I do. But I can’t be with you. Not right now, anyway. Not here. Holding your hand on an empty street, trying to keep my distance when we’re with the boys, I hate it. I want to hold your hand like other people get to. I want to love you and not feel guilty about it. I mean for god’s sakes Cas, it’s midnight right now and this is the only time I get to be with you. I can’t do it right now. And I certainly can’t deal with the thought of you getting hurt because I’m too weak to hide us well enough. I can’t do it again, Cas. Not again.” 

They were both trying their hardest not to cry. Cas’ eyes were to the brim with tears, but he refused to let any fall. And Dean, his eyes were already red from both irritation and exhaustion. The two of them just stood there, staring at each other in the warm room. The hum of their lamps didn’t help with the silence this time. Finally Cas spoke up. 

“I love you, Dean. And it’s difficult because there’s this part of me that is ashamed of us too, but I’m not ready to stop loving you. From the moment I saw you, dying in that alley, I knew you were worth saving. You’re different. I know you feel like we’re crossing some unspoken line by admitting this love, but, Dean Winchester, why shouldn’t we get to say it? If there’s anything I’ve learned from you, it’s that we get to choose our own paths. We’re different for a reason, and denying it would lead to a path I don’t want to go down. I don’t like hiding us either, but you’re delusional if you think I’m going to let go that easily.”

Castiel’s eyes lit up in a bright blue flame, and he stepped forward to pull Dean into the deepest kiss he’s ever felt. Cas’ lips were hot against Dean’s, breaths converging as they both gasped for air in between kisses. 

“I love you, Cas” 

Over and over Dean whispered it into Cas’ neck as they just held each other in the living room. The light surrounded them and Castiel drew his lips close to Dean’s ear. 

“Hold on, Dean.”

Castiel pulled away to leaf through the music and set it up on the record player. The melody drifted through the small room, and Cas returned to Dean, holding onto him as they swayed together. The music floated through their ears.

_I'll be loving you, always_  
_With a love that's true, always_  
_When the things you plan_  
_Need a helping hand_  
_I will understand, always, always_

Dean closed his eyes and leaned into Cas, pressing light kisses to his neck. He brushed his fingers through Cas’ thick hair and faintly Castiel began to sing the song to Dean. 

_Days may not be fair, always_  
_That's when I'll be there, always_  
_Not for just an hour_  
_Not for just a day_  
_Not for just a year, but always_

His voice was deep and hoarse, but it was beautiful. Dean took in every second of it. He heard Cas’ voice as clear as crystal, felt their feet moving together on time, smelled the old, musty scent in their apartment. He loved right now. The outline of a prayer began to form in his mind, begging a God he didn’t believe in for it to be like this always. And for the night, it was like that always. 

Even after the song ended, Castiel continued singing to Dean. They danced together until just before sunrise, thanking the universe that tomorrow was a Saturday. Holding each other’s hands they retired to the dark bedroom, undressed each other and slid under the thick, wool blanket. Wrapped around each other, the couple was sound asleep in minutes. 

Cas woke up half past noon, alone. He shuffled out of bed, threw on the pajamas he’d neglected last night and traipsed through the apartment looking for Dean. There was nothing to be found but a note tacked to the front door. Cas tore it off and read it, forlorn by the indications. 

_November 17, 1948_

_Cas,_

_You said you wouldn’t give up easily. Neither would I. But we both know how you found me. I loved the man next to me, and he was the one who never made it out alive. You never should’ve found me in that alley, I should’ve died with him. I’m a curse. But I don’t think our love is wrong. I should never have said that. I love you more than anyone I’ve ever met. And that’s why I need to leave you, because I know how things end. How they’ve always ended. I can’t do that to you, because if it were ever you in that alley, I couldn’t live with that. You don’t deserve that._

_In time, I hope the world finds their way to live with us. And in time I hope we can find our way back to each other. I know we will. I love you._

_Yours forever,  
Dean_

Castiel let himself cry that day. But when it was over, he turned on the radio. 

And halfway across town in a yellow taxicab, the same radio station played with Dean in the backseat. 

They both started to sing. And they both knew everything was going to be okay.

_Days may not be fair, always_  
_That's when I'll be there, always_  
_Not for just an hour_  
_Not for just a day_  
_And, not for just a year, but always_


End file.
